anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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