yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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