Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
