I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
