Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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