I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
