Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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