Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
