im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
