Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
