you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
