Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Randomize
