I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
