I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
