Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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