I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
