I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
