Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
