just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
