just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
