Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
