woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
