Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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