just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
