I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
