I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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