I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
