You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Those nachos came to me in a dream
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
jump out the window naked night went bad
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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