i think my tv is drunk
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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