The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
