apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
We need to rekindle our bromance
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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