So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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