we were pretty classy up until the second keg
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
