It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
