but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
