My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
