Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
