I need to stop coming to work sober
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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