sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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