she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
