I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
