That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
