so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
