my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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