the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm passing your future prison.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
