Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
