shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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