The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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