I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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