I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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