she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
