The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
