I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
