He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
